My version of Genesis

[snowbombz]

For an assignment we were asked to write our own creation story, so i decided to rewrite Genesis, and this is what I came up with:

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When there was nothing, except an infinitely intelligent

asexual being with masculine tendencies known as God, existence was mundane.

God then created the first pizza, and it tasted good. From that pizza God

created the heavens of cheese, the earth from dough, water from grease and the

animals and plants from sausage. And God said it tasted good. But God saw that

the animals and plants were boring, so he made from the bacon a being similar

to himself and called it Man. Then he said to man:

You are here to eat

For I have provided

you with the makings of Pizza

But you must make

this Pizza on your own,

For I have other

things to do

And God saw that Man’s Pizza tasted good. But Man had no

companions, he began to talk to himself, and walk in circles. He no longer made

Pizza to God’s expectations and ate just the sausage and became obese. God was

angry at Man, who had become lazy and God said,

Your Pizza sucks, and

you mind is funky

You are obviously not

suited for cooking,

God then bestowed the gift of Woman. Who could cook, and convince

Man to eat food other than sausage. And God saw that the food tasted good. And

God said to Man and Woman:

Do not eat of my

divine Pizza stash

For if you do, then

you will taste foods other than Pizza

And those foods are

for me.

And Man who was always hungry, ate from the divine Pizza

stash, and God said:

Your hunger knows no

bounds,

For this I will

punish you with a high muscle capacity.

You will work to

gather food for Woman to cook.

And Woman will give

birth to offspring, like the common animals of the earth.

You will only name

the best offspring Henry.

Woman was furious and slapped Man.

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