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The History of Neon Purple
Sunday, July 12, 2009 Update by Ian "Salmon Season" Golding
content start, article 9438, 1 pages
Four years after Dr. Busenitz revealed that gelatinized human muscle creates the color electric blue,
another neon color was discovered in Prussia. Early one morning, the
residents of the tiny hamlet of Aachenburg were awoken by an intense
meteor shower that would later be described by survivors as "Lila
Feuer" (translated Purple Fire.) Purple meteors the size of cattle
crashed through houses, and in less than an hour, the town was
destroyed. News of the destruction and colorful meteors spread quickly
throughout the country with rumors of nude, horny alien babes. Relief
teams, treasure seekers, and virgins flocked to the site in enormous
numbers. When the horde of travelers arrived the following night, they
were surprised when the ruins, glowing from radiation, were visible
from over a mile away. Little could be done for the few survivors, and
the virgins were disappointed, but the treasure hunters managed to
collect large amounts of the meteors. These fragments were called
Purple Rock and sold as mementos and novelty nightlights, a common
birthday present. Soon pieces were found in the majority of all
Prussian households.
Within ten years, the majority of
the first generation of collectors, sellers, and many of the children
who received the rocks had grown sick and died. With no understanding
of radiation, the Church deemed the meteors satanic, and guided the
monarchy to collect and destroy all fragments. The pieces were ignited
in front of the cathedral, and quickly melted and pooled. Amazed by the
beautiful liquid, the church rethought their position. The glowing
liquid was collected and tested first upon serfs, then on cattle. Once
found to be safe, melted Purple Rock was deemed a luxury, thus sending
a second generation of scavengers to their death in the Aachenburg
wasteland.
Dr. Busenitz's Test Subject #47
As
the pigment's popularity grew, Purple Rock scavengers were forced to
mine deeper and deeper into the highly radioactive ruins. Mutation and
death was common, causing the price to skyrocket. Much like Electric
Blue, the new color was popular with royalty. Kaiser Wilhelm II
had his cavalry painted in the pigment every year for his birthday,
U.S. President Benjamin Harrison's body was embalmed with Purple Rock,
and Queen Victoria is fabled to have performed a Purple Rock enema once
a month. Dr. Busenitz attempted to replicate his success with the new
pigment, hoping to create a way for the common people to enjoy the
color. The results were ultimately unsuccessful.
Due to a
global misuse of the mined meteor fragments, mass production of Purple
Rock ceased in 1952 due to lack of material. The last known piece of
Purple Rock, a car sized fragment named "Fairy Shit" by the alcoholic
merchant who found it, "Big Purp" by everyone else, was purchased by
Prince in 1984 to coincide with the release of his album Purple Rain
(a reference to the devastating meteor shower.) The artist equipped a
set of wheels to the stone and planned to ride it from New York City to
Los Angeles. The journey received large amounts of press when Prince
had to stop the trip in Chattanooga, Tennessee due to what his agent
described as groin pains. Since this incident, the medical term for
dangerously high radiation to the testicles is referred to as Prince
Syndrome.
When asked how he managed to gather enough money to
purchase Big Purp, Prince swore that he had "met a chick that cums
diamonds N rubies." Skeptics pointed out that it would take a woman
thirty years at fourteen orgasms a day to produce enough diamonds
necessary to acquire the stone. Prince had a press conference stating
his sexual prowess in an attempt to clear any confusion. According to
his own research, it would only take three to five years. The event
allowed Prince to show his penis to thousands, but it did little to
throw off the naysayers. Despite Prince's inability to shirk
accusations, for unclear reasons, every critic relented or disappeared
by Christmas 1985.
P.R.I.N.C.E.
In
secret, the artist was a puppet. His stage name was an acronym for the
members of a secret treaty formed between Poland, Romania, Italy, North
Carolina, and Estonia. The alliance was founded by the three controlled
by the U.S.S.R. They believed that the production of Purple Rock would
give them the capital necessary to overthrow the soviets. Italy joined
for financial backing, and in return they were granted discounted
Purple Rock prices once production began. North Carolina thought they
were seceding.
Communication between the distant countries
was complex and difficult, and any leaked information would mean harsh
penalties by soviet watchdogs. The members decided to use Prince's
songs to hide messages. The system worked perfectly, and vital
information was passed in the open. Notable songs with hidden messages
include "I Would Die 4 U" (stating the alliance), the 1989 single "Batdance" (repetitive lyric of "Get the fuck up" used as a signal to shed soviet rule), and "Raspberry Beret" (the governor of North Carolina bragging about an adulterous affair he had in a barn).
Within
seven years, the U.S.S.R. was dismantled and the alliance dissolved in
1994. "Pussy Control" was recorded as a lasting reminder to the
alliance members that they must "always have pussy control". Production
of Purple Rock tapered off to preserve Big Purp. The remaining fragment
was housed in Tallinn, the capital of Estonia, until 1997 when the CCC
invaded the city and stole the stone. The purpose behind the invasion
is unknown, though rumors of a secret laboratory created for the
synthisis of a super neon color are common. Prince, released from his
feudal serfdom enjoyed the luxury of artistic freedom for the first
time. He has not had a top ten hit since.
Sunday, July 12, 2009 Update by Ian "Salmon Season" Golding
content start, article 9438, 1 pages
another neon color was discovered in Prussia. Early one morning, the
residents of the tiny hamlet of Aachenburg were awoken by an intense
meteor shower that would later be described by survivors as "Lila
Feuer" (translated Purple Fire.) Purple meteors the size of cattle
crashed through houses, and in less than an hour, the town was
destroyed. News of the destruction and colorful meteors spread quickly
throughout the country with rumors of nude, horny alien babes. Relief
teams, treasure seekers, and virgins flocked to the site in enormous
numbers. When the horde of travelers arrived the following night, they
were surprised when the ruins, glowing from radiation, were visible
from over a mile away. Little could be done for the few survivors, and
the virgins were disappointed, but the treasure hunters managed to
collect large amounts of the meteors. These fragments were called
Purple Rock and sold as mementos and novelty nightlights, a common
birthday present. Soon pieces were found in the majority of all
Prussian households.
Within ten years, the majority of
the first generation of collectors, sellers, and many of the children
who received the rocks had grown sick and died. With no understanding
of radiation, the Church deemed the meteors satanic, and guided the
monarchy to collect and destroy all fragments. The pieces were ignited
in front of the cathedral, and quickly melted and pooled. Amazed by the
beautiful liquid, the church rethought their position. The glowing
liquid was collected and tested first upon serfs, then on cattle. Once
found to be safe, melted Purple Rock was deemed a luxury, thus sending
a second generation of scavengers to their death in the Aachenburg
wasteland.
the pigment's popularity grew, Purple Rock scavengers were forced to
mine deeper and deeper into the highly radioactive ruins. Mutation and
death was common, causing the price to skyrocket. Much like Electric
Blue, the new color was popular with royalty. Kaiser Wilhelm II
had his cavalry painted in the pigment every year for his birthday,
U.S. President Benjamin Harrison's body was embalmed with Purple Rock,
and Queen Victoria is fabled to have performed a Purple Rock enema once
a month. Dr. Busenitz attempted to replicate his success with the new
pigment, hoping to create a way for the common people to enjoy the
color. The results were ultimately unsuccessful.
Due to a
global misuse of the mined meteor fragments, mass production of Purple
Rock ceased in 1952 due to lack of material. The last known piece of
Purple Rock, a car sized fragment named "Fairy Shit" by the alcoholic
merchant who found it, "Big Purp" by everyone else, was purchased by
Prince in 1984 to coincide with the release of his album Purple Rain
(a reference to the devastating meteor shower.) The artist equipped a
set of wheels to the stone and planned to ride it from New York City to
Los Angeles. The journey received large amounts of press when Prince
had to stop the trip in Chattanooga, Tennessee due to what his agent
described as groin pains. Since this incident, the medical term for
dangerously high radiation to the testicles is referred to as Prince
Syndrome.
When asked how he managed to gather enough money to
purchase Big Purp, Prince swore that he had "met a chick that cums
diamonds N rubies." Skeptics pointed out that it would take a woman
thirty years at fourteen orgasms a day to produce enough diamonds
necessary to acquire the stone. Prince had a press conference stating
his sexual prowess in an attempt to clear any confusion. According to
his own research, it would only take three to five years. The event
allowed Prince to show his penis to thousands, but it did little to
throw off the naysayers. Despite Prince's inability to shirk
accusations, for unclear reasons, every critic relented or disappeared
by Christmas 1985.
secret, the artist was a puppet. His stage name was an acronym for the
members of a secret treaty formed between Poland, Romania, Italy, North
Carolina, and Estonia. The alliance was founded by the three controlled
by the U.S.S.R. They believed that the production of Purple Rock would
give them the capital necessary to overthrow the soviets. Italy joined
for financial backing, and in return they were granted discounted
Purple Rock prices once production began. North Carolina thought they
were seceding.
Communication between the distant countries
was complex and difficult, and any leaked information would mean harsh
penalties by soviet watchdogs. The members decided to use Prince's
songs to hide messages. The system worked perfectly, and vital
information was passed in the open. Notable songs with hidden messages
include "I Would Die 4 U" (stating the alliance), the 1989 single "Batdance" (repetitive lyric of "Get the fuck up" used as a signal to shed soviet rule), and "Raspberry Beret" (the governor of North Carolina bragging about an adulterous affair he had in a barn).
Within
seven years, the U.S.S.R. was dismantled and the alliance dissolved in
1994. "Pussy Control" was recorded as a lasting reminder to the
alliance members that they must "always have pussy control". Production
of Purple Rock tapered off to preserve Big Purp. The remaining fragment
was housed in Tallinn, the capital of Estonia, until 1997 when the CCC
invaded the city and stole the stone. The purpose behind the invasion
is unknown, though rumors of a secret laboratory created for the
synthisis of a super neon color are common. Prince, released from his
feudal serfdom enjoyed the luxury of artistic freedom for the first
time. He has not had a top ten hit since.
