Mitch Hedberg = FUNNY SHIT!

hahaha these ones are golden ^^
i was gunna have my teeth whitened, but then i said fuck that, i'll just get a tan instead
 
hahah this one is funny....
another one about bananas..."My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said no, but I want a regular banana later, so yes."
 
my favorites are

"i used to do drugs, i still do, but i used to too"

"i pay for donut you hand it to me end of transaction...no need for a reciet....walk outside see the first person Dont act like i didnt buy this donut ive got the documentation right here!"
 
I like rice. Rice is good when you're hungry, and want 2000 of something.

I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and my pants have beltloops that hold up my pants. Who is the real hero here?

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or a really cool-opotamus?

I went to the store and bought 8 apples. The guy asked me if I wanted a bag. I said "no man, I JUGGLE." But I can only juggle 8, so if i buy 9 next time BAGGEM UP!

Only count sheep. If you count endangered animals, you will run out.

I like to throw a toothpick into the forest and say YOU'RE HOME!
 
I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, man, I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut... end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the doc-u-men-tation right here... oh, wait it's at home... in the file... under 'D'... for doughnut."
 
it was supposed to be like 'dane cook...shut the fuck up.' (cause it's in my sig). but 'sucks' will do just fine.
 
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Got my brother this shirt, its beautiful
 
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