Labels on Relationships

Raz.

Raz.

Active member
My friend just messaged me this. Well put.

I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want “friends with benefits.”

I don’t know, this is a weird thought. But it seems to me that the names we give to particular connections between two people are just not sufficient. They are invented; rather, they are too plainly categorized. Friends, best friends, boyfriends, girlfriends. They are social constructs—might I say, just like gender roles. What these names fail to address is that there is a spectrum. Also, connections don’t go from enemies to strangers to marriage. There are more facets—sexual compatibility, emotional compatibility, etc.

The kind of connection I’m looking for is something more organic and flexible. I don’t believe there is much of a word for it.

I need someone who I can get along well with; who understands that as humans we have both social and sexual needs; who understands that sometimes we do NOT have social and sexual needs; who lets emotions cycle naturally, and won’t get get upset or feel disconnected when we are out of sync or who won’t feel the need to maintain a constant state of a “perfect relationship” or otherwise feel that it is failing; who won’t expect me to be “committed” to only them; and who understands that I won’t expect commitment to me.

If there is a word for that, then I am unaware and I would love for someone to fill me in.

Here’s where I start having trouble with words: If two people complement each other well, let their connection lead where it may—I don’t believe in halting the progress of connection due to “obligations” or “commitments” to another person.

(to avoid misinterpretation: “connection” is just your interaction with another person in any way, not just sexually. because some people might read that and think that “halting the progress of connection” is the equivalent to not fooling around with others when in a relationship, aka “cheating”. in the kind of connections I am talking about, cheating does not exist as it is irrelevant.)
 
The problem i see with his statement is that the kind of "relationship" he/she is talking about cant really happen without exclusivity. The bond he wants cant be achieved with out either party feeling jealous about their partner with other men/women. Its not natural to be so close to someone and then not care about them or who they see.
 
This exactly, your idea makes sense, but I think you can't expect somebody to be OK with you seeing another person at the same time, people are just naturally too competitive.
 
Yeah that is natural. All the great apes are polygamous. = Very likely it is natural in humans. It is practiced by humans and real humans are saying they feel like that. Nothing wrong with it in my opinion. Obviously communication and openness are important with others.

Anyways, I totally agree. I think also that sometimes the labels make commitments that are silly.

Take a romantic 'relationship' - the idea is that it's exclusive... except that only works until someone doesn't want to be and then it ends :P

Also marriage is silly to me, we could talk about it if you want.
 
See I have this problem where I just can't care for anyone except for my family and pets. I've never met a girl who I liked in that way and never have had a friend die that I missed.
 
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I liked that, pretty much what the past two weeks have been like. im utterly confused about this situation and that was very interesting! thanks for posting.
 
I feel like your friend wants to have fairly 'traditional' relationships with people, but have the breakups be mutual. he wants to develop connectons and feeling for people he likes, but be able to walk away as soon as his interests or feelings change without any hard feelings be had. which just seems unrealistic. people are going to start relationships that begin being mutual and end one sided, and that one side that still wants the relationship to be mutual is going to get hurt. its an unavoidable aspect of being social creatures, no matter the terminology used to describe relationships. i sort of feel like your friend hasn't been on the bad end of a breakup.

also this sounds like something i would think of whilst high. naw disrespect mayn
 
This is called "idealism", and it doesn't happen because people are way more complicated than we even realize. Words only go so far, the kind of communication and understanding that (I think) you're talking about isn't really something that you can just have; it's developed, over the course of long and committed relationships, often with many speed bumps and lessons learned. Sure you can have it, but you have to deal with the bullshit first. The unfortunate truth is that good relationships come from both parties giving in a bit at times, not from one party just accepting what the other is going to do. That's unhealthy. I agree with where-am-I on this one.
 
It's not about accepting what the other person does, it's accepting that they have the freedom to do it.

I think it's true that things will always been complicated in terms of like emotion committment, but that doesn't mean that the relationship needs definition as a solution
 
I think labels aren't meant to guide your relationship they are just social branding. A way for the people around you to understand and approach your relationship. As you get to know someone you develop an understanding of what it means to be together.

Some people think its wrong when they assume people are "together" but are hooking up with different people, others don't. It's just about finding that person who sees things they way you do.

 
was going to say this. but they're also a way for you and your partner to understand your relationship; it's a communication thing more than anything else. It would take forever to actually outline the details of a relationship you have with another person in any kind of way, so you call each other your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" as a sort of indication of the seriousness of your relationship.

love is a hard and scary thing. we're taught, especially these days, not to let ourselves be too vulnerable with other people so doing so is a terrifying prospect, especially at first. it seems like it would be impossible to let yourself be as vulnerable as you need to be in order to truly love another person if you had this intimate relationship with them then saw them going around and doing the same thing with other people; you just wouldn't know if how they felt about was at all different from how they felt about the others or not. of course it's possible that i just think this way because we are more or less brought up to think this way and society tells us to think this way, and i may be completely wrong.
 
Is this statement saying that you want to be in a relationship with someone you connect with but not be committed and free to hook up with other people? I feel like that never ends well with or without the "labels". Someone always get attached and then becomes jealous and you potentially ruin a really good thing by having sex with a random girl.

I was all with what you were saying that that statement.
 
I fail to understand what the problem is with committing yourself to someone who you have a unique connection to, for the possibility of another? You're basically trying to live from connection to connection without ever building a solid long lasting relationship - which to me is unique and special.

Sorry but I choose to commit myself to a single person that I feel passionately for rather than jumping around from person to person. I am very happy to have that single solid connection.
 
I feel like this is the attitude city folk will have in 5 years and i agree with this idea a lot, i find myself wishing to be in these circumstances, but i also agree with the guy above me, having one relationship that lasts i think is more rewarding in the long run.

its like, you could always be traveling and master that trade, or you could live in one place and master it
 
I think this isn't about the level of commitment it's about labeling it and falling back on the label instead of actively working on the relationship you know? I think labels provide people with security and a sort of easy way to say, look, I obviously love you because we're married, when really those things don't have to be related at all. I like the idea of commitment, but for me personally I think it will be more powerful, healthy and realistic to not get married and instead focus on actively showing my love for my partner.

As well, I think the idea of wanting commitment is a personal choice; there's nothing more 'right' or better about commitment, it's just what you want. Some people don't want commitment or they want to commit to multiple people and I think that's okay.
 
I hate naming relationships too... Not sure if it is always too complicated or sometimes we just don't want to see them as what they really are...
 
I dont really see what you're getting at however id like to add my two cents.

I think relationships are stupid. Not the idea behind them, but the label. Too often people enter a relationship and then use the label od "relationship" to support the existence of their efelings for the other person. Thats not right. It's not that i wouldnt want a relationship because of the exclusiveness, i just wouldnt want one because i feel like it takes away from the core of the connection between the two people. I feel as though once youre in a relationship with someone youre expected to do things. Like the relationship has become a mold that we strive to fit ourselves into along with our significant others. You date someone and suddenly its a responsibility, not to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend but more so a responsibility to be in a 'good' relationship. And a 'good' relationship is just another label for the types of relationships we see in movies or hear about all the time.
 
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