End of the world confession

In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I went nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…But the worst thing I ever done — I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa — and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.’
 
It's been bothering me for years and everyone keeps blaming it on the young children... I stole the cookies from the cookie jar.. It feels good to let that go.
 
Freshman year of college I would give this girl back rubs in exchange for her doing my Spanish all the time. I got an A. What can I say? Gifted hands.
 
I haven't either. I'm just unappealing to girls and they don't talk to me. I also used to fart when I laughed up until 7th grade. People also pick on me for my inability to pronounce the "th" sound. Apparently I make a "f" or a "v" sound instead so throw sounds like frow and brother sounds like brover.
 
one time i borrowed my dad's car and forgot it was a 6 speed with reverse above 1st gear. he was moving and had a uhaul in his driveway. i hopped in, put it in 6th and realized i fucked up and got out and then casually asked my sister to back the car out for me. all the while knowing that because of the downhill driveway she was going to tap the uhaul unless she totally dumped it in R and peeled out of the driveway. she smashed up the car, my dad flipped out and made an insurance claim against her. he still make a point to tell anyone who will listen what a horrible driver she is.
 
I didn't have a girlfriend until i was seventeen, the only girls I had kissed before that were for bets

I once kissed a girl so her friend would have to lick a toilet seat
 
that makes no sense at all. bitches not knowing how to drive. im sure the handbrake wouldve worked perfectly fine
 
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