Emails from an asshole. awesome website

I forgot to say, sorry if its already been posted. I found it at tgr.

The shiniqua car ad ones are good, as well as killer camry and the one about cats.
 
hahaha this one is so money.

Original ad:

looking for a ride

from wilmington to manhattan next wednesday, any time during the day is

good. I will pay for all of your gas as compensation.



From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org

Hello,

I am driving to NYC for a business meeting around 10 AM on Wednesday

and would be able to give you a ride. Let me know if you still need

one.

Mike

From Chris ******* to Me

mike, that sounds great. where do you want to meet to pick me

up? i can meet you anywhere in wilmington. also, how much do you want

for gas?

chris

Mike Anderson to Chris *******

Chris,

I shouldn't need too much money for gas. I drive a Hummer H2 with a

swapped motor, so gas really isn't a problem. It gets about 4 MPG

highway and only takes premium, so I'd say about $100 should cover it.

Mike

From Chris ******* to Me

what do you mean gas isnt a problem? 4 mpg is ridiculous. I was

expecting to pay like 20 or 30 bucks tops! sorry but I'll have to pass

Mike Anderson to Chris ********

If you only want to pay 30 bucks, that can get you as far as

Exit 7 on the Jersey Turnpike. I can drop you off there, and you can

hitchhike the rest of the way. I'm pretty sure hitchhiking is still

legal in NJ so it shouldn't be a problem for you. I can pick you up on

Naaman's Road in Wilmington by the Target shopping center around 9:30.

From Chris ******* to Me

are you serious? no I dont want to be dropped off in the middle of the turnpike. forget it

Mike Anderson to Chris ********

Okay, I can give you a ride to Manhattan for $30, but in

return, we need to stop at this guy's house in New Brunswick to get

some money that he owes me. He's been dodging my calls, so he probably

won't be too willing to give the money when we show up at his house. I

need you to stand there and look intimidating so he realizes we mean

business. How big are you? You should be at least 5'11 and 200 lbs. You

can bring a big friend if you are scrawny, but you should ask him to

throw up some gas money too.

From Chris ******* to Me

what the fuck is wrong with you? you sound like a drug dealer. i dont want to ride to manhattan with you

Mike Anderson to Chris ********

Chris, I'm sorry that you have turned down my ride. I think you should

change your ad on ********** to avoid any further confusion. I re-wrote

it for you so all you have to do is click "edit" and then paste this

where the original ad is:

"scrawny man, not capable of intimidating people, looking for

a ride from wilmington to new york. not willing to be reasonable in

compensation for gas. will most likely complain about stupid stuff the

whole ride up"

From Chris ******* to Me

fuck off asshole



 


Original ad:

litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.





From Mike Hunt to *********@***********.org

Hi,

I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?

Mike

From Shannon ******* to Me

Mike,

Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure

they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a

time. Are you able to house all six of them?

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict

diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this

litter should hold him over for a while. Don't worry though, I'll take

good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.

Mike

From Shannon ******* to Me

That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.

From Shannon ******* to Me

NO.

 


Original ad:

i am 17 years old and

looking to buy my first car! if you have a good, cheap and reliable car

for a student please let me know. thank you!



From Mike Anderson to ***********@*******.org

Hey there!

I saw your ad and have a great car for a young driver such as yourself.

I am selling my beautiful 1992 Toyota Camry. This car is almost

perfect. 148,342 miles on it. I need to go to Wawa tomorrow, so that

mileage might change. I'm estimating it will be somewhere around

148,347 miles. If this is a problem, let me know and I will ride my

bike to Wawa.

The car has a few MINOR problems but nothing too bad:

- The ashtray is stuck shut from when I accidentally spilled a beer on

it. I think there is like $2 in change in there, so if you can open the

ashtray, it's all yours.

- Due to a bad trip in Philly, I no longer have a radio. I run an old

boom box through the cigarette lighter, however, and it sounds great.

It is a 1986 Sony Cassette player. I'll throw in a Raffi cassette tape

for an extra $10. The tape is Raffi in Concert with the Rise &

Shine Band, and is an excellent album.

- The glovebox is locked and I lost the key to it, so it won't open.

Unfortunately there was a tuna sandwich locked in there, and you can

smell it in the car. It isn't that bad if you light some incense. I

dropped a few sticks of incense between the seats, you can have them if

you find em.

- The hood latch is broken and the hood will occasionally fly up and

hit the windshield while driving. The windshield is currently cracked

from the last time this happened, but the crack isn't that bad. In

fact, it helps air out the stench of the tuna.

- Needs new front and rear brakes. The ones on there don't really stop,

but if you give the emergency brake a good tug it should take care of

everything.

- There is a hornets nest somewhere under the hood. I have no idea

where. Occasionally a hornet will blow in through the air conditioning

vent, but I will include a fly swatter above the visor.

- There is some blood on the passenger seat and all over the side of

the door. If you are ever pulled over and the police ask about it, just

tell them the previous owner hit a deer. Don't say who I am though.

- I bought the car from someone who replaced the original horn with a

freight train horn. It is really loud and I don't recommend using it, I

have caused several accidents with it.

Besides these problems, this is a great starter car for any young

driver! I actually call it the "ladies mobile" because the chicks dig

it.

I am asking $6000 for it, but am willing to negotiate.

Thanks,

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

hey thanks for the offer! $6000 sounds like a little much for that car.

my dad only gave me a $4000 budget, would you be willing to take that?

From Mike Anderson to joey ********

Son, you obviously have no experience in buying vehicles. When I said I

was willing to negotiate, I meant I was willing to take more money for

the car if you wanted to give it to me. Minimum is $6,000. Talk to your

dad, and he will tell you that this car is a once-in-a-lifetime deal.

He'll be pissed if he saw that you passed this up.

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

What the hell is wrong with you? That car is a piece of shit! Stop e-mailing my son, you moron.

 
found one!







From Timmy Tucker to ***********@**********.org

RE: Swingset Assembly

Hey,

I saw you are looking for someone to assemble your wooden swing set.

First off, I must say that a swing set is a horrible toy for a child. I

had a swing set as a kid, and broke three of my ribs and tore my ACL on

it. My career in little league soccer was ruined. I recommend that you

get your child a sandbox. I have an old sandbox that I am not using,

and would be willing to sell to you for $300. It is an awesome sandbox.

It is shaped like a turtle, and the lid is part of the turtle too. It

comes with beautiful sand filled from a beach on Coney Island, NY. Let

me know if you are interested.

Tim

From John ******** to Me

i dont want your sandbox. i already bought the swingset for my

kid and am sticking with that. its your own damn fault you got hurt on

your swingset

From Timmy Tucker to John ******

John,

Actually it is not my fault. The swingset had a faulty design

and the swing came off while I was in the air, and I was sent flying

into oncoming traffic. I am lucky to be alive. If you do not want your

son mangled by a Dodge Caravan, then you should buy my sandbox instead.

Sandboxes are 100% safe.

Tim

From John ******** to Me

fuck your sandbox. i want my kid to have fun, not to sit in

some dirty ass sand from new york. i am not an idiot and will not set

up my swingset where my child can be thrown into oncoming traffic.

From Timmy Tucker to John ******

Well it sounds like you won't set up your swingset at all

without my help. Are you a quadriplegic? Why are you incapable of

putting a swingset together?

If you are a quadriplegic and I have offended you, I am sorry. In that

case, would you be interested in my sandbox for your crippled body to

relax in? Seeing as you can't use the swingset anyway, it would be way

more practical for you.

From John ******** to Me

FUCK OFF STOP EMAILING ME



 
sorry about ^

here is the email

This one was a little tricky. If you didn't figure it out, I am both Mike Anderson and Kira Anderson.



Original ad:

i

am looking to trade/barter my 1994 Jeep Wrangler. 140k miles, yellow,

good condition. NO CASH. I will barter just about anything of equal

value!



From Mike Anderson to **********@***********.org

CC: Kira Anderson

Hey,

I saw your ad for a '94 Wrangler for barter. I will trade you my whore

of a wife for that car. She is a dirty little slut that fucks just

about anything that moves. She doesn't really have much to offer, so I

figure she is worth about the price of a used 1994 wrangler. I

understand if you think she isn't worth it, so I am willing to throw in

$200 cash on top of that. If you are looking for a loose whore that

will give it up easily, my wife will be well worth the trade. Let me

know if you are interested. Does the Wrangler come with a title?

From Jim ***** to Me

Ha ha! Very funny. I am married and don't think I would be interested in your wife. Thanks for the offer though!

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

OH FUCK YOU MIKE!! DROP FUCKING DEAD!!! YOU ARE SUCH A SCUMBAG PIECE OF SHIT I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

Fuck YOU, you stupid cunt! What are you doing on the computer?

I figured you were fucking Steve again. Or how about our neighbor? I'm

sure he's looking to stick his dick in some rotten pussy. You fucking

twat.

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

MIKE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE THIS IS IT. DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HOME TODAY BECAUSE ILL BE WAITING WITH A FUCKIN KNIFE

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

Ooh I'm real fucking scared. It might be kind of hard to stab me with 10 inches of black dick in your mouth you fucking WHORE

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Hey you two sound like a great couple and all, but could you

stop including me in these e-mails? I really don't think this concerns

me.

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

TELL YOU WHAT JIM ILL BUY YOUR FUCKING WRANGLER SO I CAN RUN OVER MY PIECE OF SHIT HUSBAND WITH IT

From Mike Anderson to Jim *****, Kira Anderson

Jim don't sell it to her. She'll probably pick up a random dude and crash the jeep while she's sucking his dick.

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

FUCK YOU

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Will both of you shut the fuck up and stop e-mailing me? Jesus fucking christ man c'mon!



 
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