Dad jokes

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Whenever I hurt something this is what happened:

Me: my ____ hurts

Dad: does your face hurt?

Me: no...?

Dad: well its killing me

Fell for it every time god damnit
 
me. dad can i have the cardad. idkkkkkkkkkkk

me. ill do anything daddddd

dad. give me a lil head

me. why does your dick taste like poop?

dad. Oh yah i let your brother have the car :/
 
me: *singing along to a song*

dad: hey, who sings that song?

me: oh so and so

dad: yeah, let's keep it that way
 
Not much of a joke, but when my dad was a cop there was this fugitive making his escape on a bike and my dad threw a boom box out of his policecar and it hit him in the head.
 
Me as a 10 year old: "Hey, Dad, can you make me a grilled cheese for lunch?"

Dad: POOF! you're a grilled cheese!

Me: FFFFUUUUUUUUU

How about third grade teacher jokes?

Me: "Mr. B, can I go to the bathroom?

Mr. B: "I sure hope so, otherwise you should see a doctor."

Me: "FFFUUUUU Mr. B...MAY I go to the bathroom?

Mr. B: Of course!

...Unfortunately, Mr. B. got murdered.
 
me: dad, im going to bed, see you in the morningdad: ok, thanks for the warning!

my grandma made this exact joke on my birthday:

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*wife going into labor. dad calls ambulance*

dad: hi my wife is going into labor!

operator: is this her first child?

dad: no this is her husband.
 
First day of classes I used to fuck with students.

Kid: "Can I go to the bathroom?

Me: "I don't know....CAN you?"

Kid: "Ugh....MAY I go to the bathroom?

Me: "I don't know.....MAY you go to the bathroom?"

Kid: "Uhh.....yes?"

Me: "Who the heck do you think you are? This is my classroom. You don't excuse yourself I excuse you."

And I'd run them around like this for a few minutes until they just got quiet, then I'd walk slowly to them and say, "I understand it's a matter of urgency that you use the facilities?"

The kid just looks up at me like "wut"

Then I just hand them the hall pass.

....keep em on their toes.
 
waitress: "So for dessert we have the fried pineapple, or the fried banana, and green tea ice cream."

dad: " do you think i could get the fried banana inside the fried pineapple?" *penetration hand gesture*

 
My dad has soo many quotes of stupid shit. Thank god I write them down

"If you ever need some support I your life, get a jock strap"
 
Dad: Are you wearing socks?Me: Yes, obviously.

Dad: Do they have holes in them?

Me: No, why?

Dad: Then how'd you get them on?

Dad: A mushroom walks into a party. Everyone tell him to leave. The mushroom says "Why? I'm a fungi"
 
i would hate/love you.

Also on a teacher related note, one of my friends was one of the snow reporters for the local ski area.We knew he was a big skier, and we noticed if it ever snowed a foot, he wouldn't show up. We had our giant group presentation due, and we weren't done. It snowed the night before, and he reported 13 inches instead of the 10 that actually fell. The teacher showed up anyways, we failed the project.

what a story.
 
Child: Mom, what's for dinner?

Mom: Food.

Child: What kind of food?

Mom: The kind you eat.

Child: Mooooooooooooooooooom!

I do this to my own kids now. Everything your parents did to you that you thought was awful and annoying, HILARIOUS as a parent.
 
Since there are a lot of teacher jokes on this now, my chemistry teacher is probably the funniest teacher i've ever had. If you say um before you answer a question he'll freak and say "Do you speak english? Um is not a word!" and if you come to class like a minute late he opens the door a crack and goes "What do you want? Were not buying any". and then lets the person in and snarls at them.
 
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