Critique my song

imZONING

Member
starting rapping the other day, couldnt help writing some verses, threw them together in a song, i wanna hear what people think.

quality is terrible, pretty rough around the edges, but its easy enough to listen to.

thanks for the help newschool
http://www.mediafire.com/myfiles.php

promise the link is legit
 
it takes less effort to cut and paste the link than to post saying it doesn't work...
 
i love when i call stuff out that is actually an exception to what usually happens. well fuck me.

 
did you listen? the first verse is definiltey the worse, messed up alot. if you make it past that it gets better.

the links working for me, ill see whats up.
 
the link just brings me to the mediafire homepage. but I'm gonna go ahead and venture that you are a white suburban kid so your flow is weak and your beats are whack. probably decent compared to most other kids attempting to be rappers though. If this is your first attempt you should just keep working at it, fuck what people think.
 
lyrics-

Head up, feet on the ground, its going

down, were going up

Never stopping, flying to the top



Now I'd be lying if I said it never stopped

I'm dancing on a top, we go round and

round, its gonna fall down

Realize, with these eyes, true sight can be

found

Staring straight at the target, I know I

got it

What are you gonna do?After we get through

past

this mess, Am I gonna taste success? I know I crave it

on some real shit My mind is open, need a

lock to close it

Cause Its going, flowing, cant be stopped

Travel the path, pick the pieces up along

the way

You gotta grab on tight, keep your site

boy.

You might just explode, who knows?

This guy stands before you, in these

clothes, he knows

Keep you eyes closed, the lights too bright

Good thing you got your blinders on

I'm not gonna fault you for what you see

Just keep you mind open, stop hoping

Feel yourselft surrounded by wealth

Keep these feelings, see the

ceilings

Oh no where

they going?

Blood flowing, sitting here knowing

Its gonna take one show and im

Gonna be blowing up



Here we go, starting this shit again

Its been weeks since I picked up the pen

Gonna let it flow out the hole

Tell a story never been told

You know we grow, we grow old

Gotta pick the pieces of you life, fir them

right

For when you stop trying, that’s when you

start dying

You can't be living to live, you gotta be

willing to give

Give it up, not for yourself, or the wealth

For the love the only thing that ocunts

When your trying to find out what this

lifes meant to be, what it means

You will be able to see, ripping the filter

off you eyes

See the skys, the sunrise for the first

time

Hit rewind play it back the next day

Have it your way because you know tomorrow

never comes



Here we go, here we go bringing it in for

round three

This rap shit is so easy to me

Yah yah, here we go, yah

Guess what boy I just starting rapping two

days ago

Yah, look at that potentional

Right now its 2/7/2010

Yah not even 21

Im looking up my lifes gonna be fun

Yah the best part about my raps now

Is I

don’t give a crap what im spitting out

Just trying to get my flow down

Haven't thought about what im gonna write

From the heart, this is just the start

I promise I'll start making it real

Im just getting my first song done, yah

feel?

Yah Verse three has been filler

Still sounds killer to me

What do you think what do you see

Actually, your opionion doesn’t matter to

me

Your gonna be you, imma stay me

And that’s a hard thing for most people to see

They don’t realize that they eyes, give it

all away, yah that’s what I say

So wouldn’t you if you actually knew, what

I was talking about

I could scream and shout it in your ear,

but that doesn’t mean you would hear

it would go through one ear out the other

Fly around you head for a bit, before

exits, forever



That’s not to say it would never come back

Cause

just like never, never say forever



Yah, joeythegs my name, im signing out

Just playing around, I don’t know what

to call myself

This shits happen so fast, havent had time

to think

Jgprodigy maybe, kinda sounds corny, we'll

see

All you need to know, my real name is joe

Though most call me joey

My full name is joseph, josephthebest?

Hah, im justs gonna give it a rest

Who cares what they call me

Joseph Gilbert that is my name

Apparently rapping is my game

Being non-toxic can be intoxicating

When I sing I feel what I bring

Its getting heavy im gonna push through

Gonna soar past the boring life from before

Its always been there never been explored

Cutting through these bars, I gotta sharp

sword

Like a gold rush, it rains and its pours

Open up the hatch and relax,

Keep the facts straigh, veiwpoints

colliding

Blowing up katahdin, when I hit the beat it

shakes

It listens to me, we get along real well

Lets me soar, higher then before

no floor beneath me anymore

I don’t know when this shit is gonna be

stopping

Like night clubs in europe, always hopping

Hopping on the beats, skeet skeet

All over my sheets, yah give me some time

I know I thought this ryhme was gonna stop

long ago

I just can't help myself, might as well

keep going

Flowing line for line, like I'm free

throwing

My eyes are getting heavy, there gonna fall

shut

Here we go, I'm gonna rap this up

I just want this song done before I get to

bed

Its 1:47 in the morning, hope I wake up

tomorrown

And can read the critism, I got for my song

Don't worry its welcomed, im just trying

better

Not chasing the cheddah, I don’t care about

money

Because it don’t care about me

Oh yah and I have none of that

Maybe once I get some, ill start to like it

more

Right now I have more bills then I can

afford

Went to bentley college, loaded up my debt

Said fuck it, never went to class, sat on my ass

Listened to lil wayne, you know what im

saying?

Losts my sholarship before I was a junior

Yah everyone telling me im so lazy

But

my brain was working crazy

And you know what, it made me

Cause they say everything happens for a

reason

Yah they say everything happens for a

reason

You just gotta figure out what your meant

to do

Ok, ill say it one last time say, this shit

is through











Im gonna leave you with some lasts words

just listen

Head up, feet on the ground, its going

down, were going up, never stopping flying to the top
 
WHITE SUBURBAN TEENAGERS NEED TO STOP RAPPING AND MAKING BEATS ON GARAGEBAND. YOU ARE NOT GOOD, AND YOU WILL NEVER BE FAMOUS. STOP TRYING AND GET A REAL FUCKING JOB.
 
it was a sample, dont understand your bitterness, did someone shoot down a dream you've had before? dont worry man, you can be what you want to be
 
keep writin shit bro, dont give a fuck what kids got to say. if ya like doin it keep doin it, its that easy. youll get better with time and practice. work on your flow though and keep the lyrics original. thats what hiphop is missin these days.
 
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