>blacktext

shuckle

shuckle

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>i'm in science class>we're in the middle of doing a lab

>i see my black friend talking to a girl

>i sneak up really slowly behind him

>raise my hands behind his head

>drape them very lightly over his short hair and start massaging his scalp

>alternate between firm massages and light rubs

>he starts moaning

>the girls eyes expand to the size of large coffee mugs

>eventually i stop and he turns to look me right in the eyes

>we just stare at each other

>we never speak of it again
 
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>Long-term gf just broke up with me

>At coffee shop trying to think of how to get my shit together

>notice cute girl is has been looking at me for some time

>smile at her and wave a little

>go back to staring at my coffee

>lock up to see her sitting next to me

>asks me what’s wrong

>little reluctant, think it’s a trick

>It isn’t

>feelsgoodman.jpg

>she was dumped recently too

>accidentally stare at her cleavage as she’s talking

>start to get hard

>feel a hand run up my leg

>see her breathing a bit hard

>asks if I like what I see

>guide her hand to my zipper

>she unzips my fanny pack by mistake

>spaghetti falls out

>try to clean it up with my sock

>start to cry

>get embarrassed and fart watery diarrhea all over my man skirt

>smear shit all over the window and ask her to marry me

>mfw she said no
 
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>Playing soccer in School>Ball gets kicked up in the air

>Try to be badass and kick it into thier goal before it lands

>Miss and kick goalie in the face

>Try to say fuck Im sorry

>Comes out as YOUR SO FUCKING SORRY

>Goalie starts crying

 
>Go to dentist

>Dentist tells me I need fillings

>Get nervous

>He does my first and second one

>Start to feel sick

>Swallow to contain nausea and bile

>Tells me to rinse out mouth in sink

>I gag

>Fill his rinse out sink with puke

>It overflows
 
>walk into Gamestop

>ask for a copy of Atelier Totori

>”What?”

>spaghetti slowly drips from my pockets

>oh god not again

>face gets red

>”Please give me a copy of Atelier Totori right now.”

>”I don’t know what that is. What platform is it on?”

>struggling to contain my embarrassment

>clenching asscheeks together to hold in my shit

>meanwhile spaghetti is flowing out of my pockets

>voice reduced to a mumble

>”have money please alterlier toroti give money please game”

>”Are you ok?”

>shit breaches through my asscheeks

>propelled forward at 60mph

>crash through the Gamestop employee’s counter

>he’s holding on to me for dear life

>all the while spaghetti is flowing out of my pockets like fumes

>crash through the entire row of buildings in the strip mall, broken glass shards in my face

>yelling “ATELIER TOTORI PLEASE MONEY ATELIER GAMESTOP TOTORI”

>Gamestop employee is covered in shit and spaghetti

>my pocket rocket shows no signs of stopping

>he tilts me backwards

>the sheer force of my shit has reached 650mph, we are now propelling upwards

>the spaghetti and shit intertwines and falls down to earth in glorious yellow and brown streams as we head towards the stratosphere

>children below frolic in the mess falling from my anus

>the g-force is causing my asscheeks to flap vigorously and create a gale

>spaghetti and shit blowing through the air on the planet below

>3 miles upwards now

>Gamestop employee has died from lack of oxygen, his body falls to the surface below and is shredded by the force of my shit

>my transformation is almost complete

>as I leave the atmosphere my bear hands sprout and my tail grows, acting as a rudder

>steer myself across the cosmos with my gleaming shit and spaghetti trail
 
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>be 19 at coffee shop

>femanon 2/10 is in shop looking crestfallen

>spaghetti scent

>approaches me

>ohgodwhy.exe

>hey anon do you have the time

>no dinosaur on the floor

>yes i do bitch 6:69

>what have i done dot jay peg

>realize i blew my chance

>femanon looks disgusted and leaves

>time actually was 7:09

>yfw story matches girl
 
>Have high school gf of 2 months

>had not had sex yet but really wanted to

>says she has the house to herself for the night

>shave pubes in anticipation

>we are watching movie on her bed and start kissing

>she is virgin, I had sex a couple times before

>hands begin wandering, getting really hard

>run my fingers down the back of her ass and feel hot wet cunt

>even harder

>can tell she is very cleanly shaven

>start to unzip her pants

>she says hold on

>oh shit oh shit

>says she isn't ready

>but sucks my dick

>feels awesome

>cum

>she screams

>came blood in her mouth

 
>today, first aid class

>volunteer to be the victim

>lying on the ground, hot chick with big tits is designated leader of the ''rescue''

>she designates a couple people to help put me on a board

>hot girl is to my right, just chest-level to me

>they tie me up and lift the board up

>I jokingly say I feel nauseous

>they have to tilt the board sideways so that I don't ''vomit into my own mouth''

>board tilts towards hot chick

>my hands, that happen to be held up to my chest, get direct contact with hot girls tits

>they hold the board there, pushing me even harder against her rack

>everythingwentbetterthanexpected.jpg

True story
 


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>having best year of my life>filming all over the place

>going up to Alaska soon

>go to utah

>hitting chads gap with Jon Olsson

>land sw 900 Mute

>not satisfied

>hike up to hit again

>not wearing full tilts

>come up short and break my ankles

>ow

>fuck

>my ankles are broken

>my ankles are broke

>some gaper says my ankles are broken

>I got broken ankles

>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

>it ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssucksssss

>mfw someone put dynamite in my boots
 
>read stories in blacktext thread

>relish_man tells story of touching hot girl boobs

>dont believe him

>pics or it didnt happen
 
I actually laughed so hard, to the point of tears, +k to this one and every other that mentions spaghetti.
 
>see a giant falcon

>its majestic, circling, hungry

>no, wait, it's an eagle

>stare in awe

>eagles, fuck yeah

>slowly reach downward

>fingers grasp cold steel

>raise to my eye's, one closed

>shoot eagle in the face

>go home and eat eagle

>yummy
 
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Hey F@ggots,

My name is John, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day looking at stupid ass pictures. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any pussy? I mean, I guess it’s fun making fun of people because of your own insecurities, but you all take it to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures on facebook.

Don’t be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I’m pretty much perfect. I was captain of the football team, and starter on my basketball team. What sports do you play, other than “jack off to naked drawn Japanese people... and ski”? I also get straight A’s, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just blew me; Shit was SO cash). You are all f@ggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.

Pic Related: It’s me and my bitch
 
God damn you, /b/. I fucking hate you. I've been noticing how you've been fucking with my head, making me see memes everywhere, and now it cost me my job.

I used to work at a pizza joint called Papa Gino's, which is a chain here in New England. Today, two guys came in, and they were very obviously a couple. Never in my life have I seen people this blatantly gay. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bleeding heart liberal hippie treehugger commie bastard, and I'm even bisexual myself, but DAMN these two were gay. Everything was going fine, right up until I served them their food. Instead of the usual "enjoy your meal" bit that I usually say, /b/ seized control of my brain.

"There you are, guys. Enjoy your AIDS." As soon as that A passed my lips, alarm bells went nuts in my head. But it was too late. I didn't realize what I had just done until I had finished speaking. The two guys just stared at me in shock for a momment, and I went pale. I knew that my days of free pizza and all the Mountain Dew I could drink were over in that one instant.

The two dudes go DIPSHIT. My manager comes over, and there's screaming about hate crimes, bigotry, lawsuits, and one of them even stood up and threatened to beat the shit out of me. We got into a fight, and my manager got scared, and said youre moving with your aunte and uncle in bel-air.

I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said "fresh" and there were dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought "naw forget it, yo home to bel-air!"

I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie "yo homes smell ya later!" Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there. To settle my throne as the prince of bel-air.
 
>pics while I was in first aid class tied to a board

>mfw you're a dumbass

>mfw Newschoolers has gotten retarded

>mfw I have no face
 
> Middle of summer vacation

> Mom comes in shouting and tells me to go to the mall with my friends and socialize

> Scream 'No!' at her

> Says she'll throw my bionicles away

> Accept defeat, put on fanny pack and leave once she's tied my shoes and given me $20

> Start sweating real bad on the way to the mall, sweat patches forming on back, armpits and the backs of my knees

> Arrive at the mall, Pikachu t-shirt stuck to my skin

> See the girl I have been in love with for 7 years hanging out with friends

> Decide today is the day to introduce myself

> Start walking over, immediately regret it

> Face burning up and vision starting to blur

> Her and her friends are looking at me

> They must have noticed my shirt

> Try to peel it off but it's really stuck

> Leave it round my neck like a scarf

> 'Are you ok?' she says

> 'Uh n-n-not much, you?'

> Weird looks and laughing

> Skin hotter than the sun

> Fighting back the tears, mouth and eyes twitching

> 'Uh, I think we'd better go'

> Try to explain myself

> 'NO WAIT! We're meant to be Laura!'

> 'WTF creep how do you know my name?'

> Tears start to roll down my face

> Lift my fedora to grab my hanky but my spaghetti stash falls out and runs down my face

> Let go and the chinstrap pings it down, splashing sauce all over her

> She screams

>get home from school

>another day, another 20lb of spaghetti to cook

>tomato emergency occurs and i require more to produce sauce

>yell at stupid mother to watch the operation while go into the zone for supplies

>put on my sturdiest cape - +6 defense. totalled with my rainboots and fedora, i was clocking base+15

>take post-its in my fanny pack to ward off attackers

>walk outside, the sun blinds me. initiate aviators. +1 defense, vision penalty reduced

>defeat frog-boss on creek detour (to avoid running into NPCs), +300exp, acquire new weapon: swamp-stick

>ward off hostile NPCs with new swamp-stick weapon as i head to the shop

>get to market, grab 2 dozen tomatoes and head to the shop NPC

>"yes hello - 2 dozen tomatoes please. thanks"

>female NPC eyes me strangely as i give her the gold and snatch my tomatoes before running off

>sturdy cape tangles in my legs, i fall onto my tomatoes before i manage to escape

>try to crawl away in the tomato juice but its too slippery, i wriggle like a helpless baby

>chinstrap snaps and my fedora flies off, -4 defense

>NPCs surround me and begin dancing

>wake up in the hospital

>only had shitty +2d hospital gown
 
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