Back to my roots (Poetry)

Caspaaa

Caspaaa

Active member
Decided after dabbling into rap and fast paced spoken word poetry that I would take a break and go back to my roots in short stanza simplistic poetry.

I don't show anybody that I know the things that I write, in fact, very few people in my life know that I enjoy writing poetry. NS is a place where I can share what I write anonymously (or atleast somewhat anonymously), and get feedback on it. I'll appreciate any positive feedback, and harsh criticism is also okay. Hate if you'd like, if that's what'll make you feel better, go for it.

Let me know what you think.

When he was just a little kid,

he used to dream a little bit.

You could hear it in his voice, and the way that he spoke;

feel it in his heart, overfilled with hope.

She saw it in his eyes, in the way he used to stare.

He promised that he'd take her there.

He dreamed of a day when he could quit,

as he walked along the shallow shore.

The day nostalgia wouldn't hit;

when everything was like before.

A year would pass on the lonely beach,

and his dreams seemed so far out of reach.

With the loss of ninety miles heavy on his chest,

slowly slipping under all the rest.

She was all that he had left

He was all that she had left

When he was just a little kid,

he used to dream just a little bit;

of stolen hopes and broken homes

as he walked along those sandy stones.

Lips shaking in the frozen air,

he promised that he'd take her there.

Far away from fear and pain,

miles from the coming rain,

hidden from the hurt she once had felt,

hidden from,

the hurt she felt.

When he was just a little kid,

he used to dream quite a bit;

of a girl in the sand, the breeze through her hair,

he promised her he'd take her there.

Now the storms have passed, and the sea is calm.

He sits on the beach, with a picture in his palm.

He clings to the memories, as if they'll save her life;

five years later he grips the recollection of that night.

Tears streak his face as he stands up to leave,

and with a saddening composure, he drops his heart into the sea.

He knew that she had never cared,

but he had promised her he'd take her there.
 
Damn dude, that's fucking tight. I'm not sure how I feel about the change in rhyme scheme in the second stanza, but it gets really powerful towards the end.

PM me for an invite to the NS poetry cult. I've been hearing rumors of a revival and I'd like to get back on the horse as well.
 
thanks man

after reading it out loud i agree... i'll experiment a little bit with different rhyming schemes and see what fits there.
 
that was awesome man! definitely made me feel emotions while reading it. never really been into poetry, but this is awesome. great job! is it based on anything in your life? or a story of a friend or something?
 
it's loosely based on my own life experiences.

it's more-so an attempt to just pull some emotion in my readers, although it has some truth to it. i like to think of it as being not about one kid, but about everybody in general. in a way it's supposed to represent the loss of hope, recognition of a physical loss, and then moving on from it, a process that everybody experiences at some point. the beach represents isolation (or separation), and obviously him dropping the picture into the sea represents moving on from his grief, or attempting to do so at least.

I've got more stuff I'll post up right now actually

and to that other guy, lets not hate. if you don't like what i write, don't read it.
 
If you think it's that bad, then post something constructive or criticize it yourself. If you're here for the laughs, NSG is just a click away.
 
alright, this ones a little bit more rap-styled. unfortunately i haven't had the chance to write much like the previous one (although i will in the future, trust me.)

and yes, there are definitely some parts of this that need work.... keep in mind none of these are editted, i tend to write them, and them put them away and rarely look at them again.

Beat the living shit out if it, kid,

remember what they took from you.

You're stuck drawing conclusions from the pictures that they drew for you.

His pride on the ground dripping blood from the bullethole,

consciously reminisce about the pain that they caused his soul.

Savor it, cause you'll never catch him off his balance...

that's one thing he's mastered besides this self inflicted malice.

How's this, he hits the switch on his emotions;

takes a walk on the shore and throws rocks to the ocean.

Flip the switch once again as the skyline fades to black,

and with a smirk on his face the shadows dance across his back.

Because if he ever got the chance, damn straight he would have risked it

Left that lonely disposition in the rain, no he never fucking missed it

He walked through the city, the sad reminder of a home;

somewhere in between his life and his emotions, yeah, he walks all alone.

In his pocket is a letter asking "Where have you been?" but they won't know

Just like he won't fold, even when the wind stings cold,

he's been raised to deceive it with a heart that's been sold.

A product of a broken home,

on top of the world, but he stands alone.

He's got the world at his fingertips and his cards on the table,

but looks can be lies when his emotions hang from a cable.

Fifty miles up, or that's fifty miles longer than

the distance he could cover if his life went down the drain again.

Yeah, he never had a reason to keep going,

yet constantly pushing forward, he never stopped to wait.

He stared death in the face on a solemn one-way road,

and he can feel it in his veins as it comes time to let go.

Two parents lost and a vengeance on his mind,

as the only source of income he knows it don't pay to be kind.

So stare all you want, at the life you think he led,

cause he's a man of his word, at least thats what they think he said.

When your whole life is a lie, it ain't hard to cheat the system;

opinions never mattered because he knows that he won't need them

Forgive him

He's been through more than he could speak of,

head against his palms hoping the news he heard was made up

Yeah, he's a man of his word, even if he can't be heard.

He'll wear that smirk on his face, from on top of the world.

 
heres another one

as i post these i realize that the beach image/symbol comes up fairly often in my poems. i spend all summer on cape cod in a house on the beach so i do quite a bit of thinking/idea conjuring at the beach, so i guess thats where it comes from haha

Blue skies,

the boy carves his way down to the oceanside;

a gravel walkway rougher around the edges like his picture perfect memories,

his clothes catching on the thorns as he tries to free himself desperately.

With a struggling heave he breaks onto the beach,

where the hot sand brings relief to his weary feet,

and with a sigh he retires to watch the sun set,

while he pictures things he wishes hadn't happened yet.

He watches the waves every summertime,

as if the answers to his questions lie somewhere beneath the shoreline.

While a shade of yellow grips the horizon,

broken by barrier beach and the distant Strong Island.

His heart lies wherever the wind blows,

but she holds the wind to her side, wherever she goes.

Time passes by on the sandy coast under that sky,

fading from yellow to deep orange while he asks himself "Why?"

Without a purpose, without his dream, without the girl he loves to death,

he sits alone in the sand, the salty air on his breath.

Bitterness takes hold as the sky is stained dark red,

because everybody feels anger, right before the end.

He turns the possibilities over as if to find the right words,

but when he finally makes a choice, they're pointless to be heard.

With the sun long gone he's left alone in the world,

distanced from his heart, that he left with one girl.

The night offers no comfort when the tears stain the sand,

but he tries to get by the best that he can;

he pours his soul onto the canvas of his life,

as he paints a self portrait of a boy that loved to write.
 
and Blondie, what do you think about this as a different second stanza to my first poem-

As the boy walked along the shallow shore

He dreamed of days like they were before

A troubled conscience, he cast his worries to the sea

Or let them fly over the country, carried in the summer breeze

A year would pass on the lonely beach

and his dreams seemed so far out of reach

With the loss of ninety miles heavy on his chest

Slowly slipping under all the rest

and then continue on
 
Much better. It matches better the rest of the poem. Some of the rhythm(s) throughout the poem are still funky and a little off but to be honest I don't really mind. I really like the one in the OP when I read it out loud.

Threads for when I have time to read the more recent posts.
 
yee

i honestly have no knowledge about anything poetry related. i don't know the different types or any vocabulary associated with poetry. my writing doesn't have much of a concrete style either and i like it that way. i try to experiment with what i call "semi-rhyming couplets" where the last word or couple of words sounds similar but doesn't TRULY rhyme

for example

life

night

sea

breeze

kid

bit

stones

homes

the first couple is a little off but it still sounds somewhat the same. sea and breeze are similar as well, and kid and bit. stones and homes are a perfect example where a word like cones would rhyme better than homes, but homes still seems to work just fine.

hit me with more feedback, it's greatly appreciated. and if you have the time, point out some of those "funky" rhymes, and i'll check em out!
 
yup, that's exactly where i first found out about them. a lot of rhymes in raps are like that and i thought it was cool so i tried it out!
 
I finished this a few days ago but nobody looks in the poetry cult anymore..

I call it memories

Alright.

We can't let memories define us

we'll understand this strange force inside us

we need to need to let it provide for us and

we need to let it remind us

if we take this pain inside us we can

decorate our bodies with it then it will find us

that hidden answer that we all need

so take a sec and just breathe

and when you realize what it is inside you

then you'll realize that it's me too

that we both sleep on the same kind of suffering

yeah, I can see those dreams suspended there

hovering, not fully alive I feel it buffering

and I know that our thoughts of happiness are rare

every so often sending out a small prayer

but in due time it'll resonate inside you

and with this resonation shall you see how I fair

these thoughts are rejuvenating, they'll make you feel new

so hold fast to these thoughts and stay true to you

We can't let memories define us

we'll understand this strange force inside us

we need to need to let it provide for us and

we need to let it remind us

if we take this pain inside us we can

decorate our bodies with it then it will find us

that hidden answer that we all need

so take a sec and just breathe

I never thought that she would stay this long

But then again I guess sometime we're all wrong

I figured you'd be out after the first date

But i pulled through, I told you I was strong

"Dear depression, I swear to god that this is not my fate

lost looking for a common place"

Here's to Dylan, I gotta thank you man

After all, you did draw out my master plan

So once again, here's to all the lonely roads we travel

and understand that your road map will too one day unravel
 
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