Anyone know some jokes?

TheTristanator

Active member
i have a few:

Me: What would you do if you were on a bus full of gay guys havin an orgy?

You: I'd get off.

Me: lol

Me: There's a 100 dicks on a wall.. How many do you choke on?

You: none..

Me: you must be a really good dick sucker

post em up lol

 
so a man walks into a bar with a superman costume. being drunk, he bets the bartender that he will be able fly within 3 tries of jumping off the roof. so they both go up to the roof, and the man takes his tries. on the first try, he jumps off the roof and just falls, but luckily into a dumpster full of soft trash bags. he climbs back up to the roof and takes another shot at it. this time, he falls again but onto a pile of mattresses. he climbs back up to the roof to try for the last time. on the last time, he jumps off the roof and begins to fly around the bartender, then lands and says "use the fucking searchbar"
 
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?" The horse responds: "i just got diagnosed with terminal cancer."

A dog walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender realizes that he must be going crazy as dogs cant talk.

Knock Knock

Whos there?

The police, your entire family was killed in a car accident.
 
a guy walks into a bar and notices a horse crying, he walks up to the bartender and the bartender says, " all give you a $100 bucks if you can make the horse laugh......so the guy goes over and whispers in the horses ear and the horse starts laughing.......the bartender pays up and the guy leaves.....a few weeks later the guys goes back in and the horse is still laughing....the bartender says all give you another $100 bucks if you can make him stop laughing...guy walks over there and whispers to the horse and then the horse starts to cry again...the bartender asked the guy what he said to make him laugh, the guy says, "i bet i have a bigger dick than you" then the bartender asked him what he said to make him cry, the guy goes," i showed him"
 
haha thats a good one.

i suck at jokes. i just get drunk and make a fool out of myself and everybody who crosses my path. its a big joke
 
so i take a step down niveauwise:
whats funnier than a dead baby? a dead baby in a clown suit
whats worse than 10 babies in 1 trashcan? 1 baby in 10 trashcans
 
A guy goes to the doctors for a medical and the doctor tells the patient that he has 2 lots of bad news and so the patient asks what it is. The doctor replies you've got alzheimers. He then asked whats the second lot of bad news and the doctor replies you've got cancer and the patient says oh well at least i havnt got alzheimers.
 
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.
 


o.k. so I posted some ski instructor jokes in a thread yesterday, here's another one...

So there was a doctor, accountant, and ski instructor in a bar with

their three dogs sleeping in the corner.

The doctor says, "My dog is the smartest dog in the county."

The others say, "Yeah, well prove it."

The doctor calls his dog. "Hey Scalpel, come." She gets up and comes

over and the doctor takes out a bag of chicken bones and puts them on

the floor. The dog looks a minute, and then calmly rearranges the bones

into the skeleton of a chicken.

"Wow!" say the other patrons.

The accountant says, "That's nothing. I'll show you smart dog. Debit!.

Come here, girl." Debit comes over to the bar, figures out everyone's

tab, buys a round for the house, and then goes back an lies down.

"Awesome!" says the growing audience.

The ski instructor laughs and says, "You guys are so clueless. My dog,

Sidecut is the smartest. Wake up, Sidecut!" Sidecut, gets up, scratches

himself, ambles over to the bar, eats the chicken bones, laps up all

the spilled drinks on the bar, screws the other two dogs, and takes the

afternoon off.
 
Sorry, that was mean.

I forgot to tell jokes!
What did the 0 say to the 8?-Nice belt!
How do you know it's bed time in Michael Jackson's house?-The big hand touches the little hand...
 
3 guys walk into a bar. the fourth one ducks.

4 (insert your favorite minority) drive off a cliff in a caddie, whats wrong? a caddie seats 5.

what did the coat hanger say to the hat? ........................................

you go on a head, and ill hang around!
 
what do black people and peaches have in common?

-they both hang fom trees in georgia

why do black people only have nightares?

-because the last one to have a dream got shot
 
How does every black joke start???? (in real life)

the person telling the joke looking over their shoulder to see if there's a black guy around
 
Whats the worst thing about raping a little girl?

Getting blood on your clown suit.

How do you make a 4 year old girl cry?

Whipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear

 
how many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

probably some obscure number you have never heard of.
 
A guy is walking along the beach when he sees a girl with no arms and no legs. He feels bad so he goes over to her and starts a conversation. A little bit into the convo she says "ive never been kissed before". The guy feels bad for her and gives her a kiss. the girl then says "well to tell you the truth ive never been fingered before either". The guy reluctantly decides to finger her cuz he feels bad and hes a nice guy. After that the girl says "ive never been fucked before either". When he hears this, the man picks her up, carries her to the shore, throws her in the ocean, and says "now your fucked!"
 
There were a pregnant woman, a unicorn, and a skinny mexican, and there was a piece of pizza on the ground. Who picked it up?

The pregnant lady of course, unicorns and skinny mexicans dont exist.
 
Describing the ideal sports car for a jew: It stops on a dime and picks it up
What is the main objective of the Jewish football player? Get the quarterback
Whats the different between a Jew and a canoe? A canoe tips
What happens when a jew with an erection walks into a wall? He breaks his nose
What is faster that a speeding bullet? A jew with a coupon!
Why do jews have big noses? Because the air is free
OK for the record I have nothing against jews, these are just popular jokes that I've heard a while backenjoy!
 
haha my friend who is jewish told me this one:
What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew?

A boy scout comes home from camp.
 
haha yeah I didn't want to bring up Holocaust jokes but since you opened the door! you give me no choice.
How do you fit 54 jews in a Volkswagen Beetle? 2 in the front, 2 in the back and 50 in the ashtrayHow do you get them out? Tell them Hitler is driving
What did the little german boy get for Christmas? An Easy Bake Oven and a G.I JEW
 
Oh god I definitely just wasted 1/2 of my writing class on this thread... I have a paper due in 9 mins.
 
A guy walks into a bar at the top of a skyscarper. He gets a lot of drinks and gets really drunk. Then he jumps out the window. 5 min later he comes back up drinks some more and jumps out the window again. He does this 4 times then someone in the bar stops him and asks him how are u not dieing when u jump out the window. The guy is really drunk so he says "well when i'm drunk i can fly." So the other guy that asked the question wants to try so he gets really drunk jumps out the window and dies. Then the bartender says "Superman your an asshole."
 
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