a poem

linemaverick540

linemaverick540

Active member
i wrote this poem and thought it was decent. Constructive criticism is welcome, all else will be ignored so save your time and look into another thread

Wake up

Look at the clock

The red lights read 12

Roll out of bed

Look out the window

People are in a hurry down below

Little worker ants serving the world

But what good is it?

Their insignificant being will end shortly

A rap on the door brings me back

It’s the landlord

The rents do but I don’t have it

Third time in a row and Im out

Grab a blanket and my prized possession

My guitar

I take to the streets and find a nice alley

Leave the blanket take the guitar

On the streets I sing

I sing a song of love

I sing a song of life

People cry and people listen

My words touch their souls

As night approaches, I retreat to my so called home

There I sleep wearing only the clothes on my back

A blanket and a smile

People think im lonely

People think im sad

What they don’t know is that im living my dream

I am able to touch them with my words

With these thoughts in my head I fall asleep

member5054

VIVA LA RESISTANCE
 
the idea is good but it really seems to jagged for a story poem

-Craig

the challenge is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you like everyone else
 
Is that how you live?I guess not,but anyways,it was damn good(my opinion.)I really liked it.I've seen waaay worse shit.

------------------------------

Proudly defending the right of being a Spaniard.Hell yeah!
 
yea when i write, i have A.D.D. and just conpletly change topics. i think its unique but i can see where a lot of people wouldnt like it and im not even sure if i like it. ill try and smooth it out.

member5054

VIVA LA RESISTANCE
 
hell yea dude thas pretty sweet, thats the one you started to write as a song for me kinda, all I gotta do is fix it up a little to fit the music and make it smoother and it will make a pretty sweet song im thinkin... its a good poem i like it

Anti-Flag

-Whats so fucking wrong, and whats so anti-establishment about the idea of peace? Why is wanting to know the truth so anti establishment?

These aren't anti-establishment ideas, these are Pro fucking peace ideas-

all girls should swallow and enjoy anal sex - Lateralis

 
thanks, just getting other opinions. i used to hate writing but then i tried doing it for me and not for school. its fun trying to put thoughts onto paper.

member5054

VIVA LA RESISTANCE
 
thats wonderful. 'rap' is spelled 'rape' and i was thinking you could say the 'raping on the door' or something. some words i thought could be changed to more thought provoking words that could keep the reader more interested. but i love it

I dont want a large Farva!
 
'you must seek therapy? that's what i would go wiht.'!

''''''''''''''''''''

give american girls alcohol and theyll do anything, they turn into raging sluts who freak out when they see a cock and just have to gobble it down.............and thats the way girls should be. Lateralis

 
i thought it was really good.... except you spelled 'due' wrong... in the part about the rent

~Ella

Messed knees for life

*skiing isn't a sport, it's a lifestyle*

Ella and Lauren: changing teenaged boys lives since 2001.
 
Your peom just sort of stated the facts and did not flow at all. I like a poem with a hidden meaning, symbol, metaphor, connotation, or some message that really makes me think or effects thier life. Good try though, at least you didn't feel the need to rhyme.

1080 boots for sale!

-Pat
 
honestly this isn't meant to be hurtful, but i thought it was pretty cheesy. worker ants? that analogy is not the slightest bit original. if you're going to write a poem that sticks it to the bump and grind of capitalism, then i suggest you do it in a less obvious form. you have to realize that a million billion people have written poems like this, sit down and reconstruct what you want to say in a different set of words and stanzas. i also suggest that you modify your selection of lines with few words - those should be utilized to make a dramatic point.

we got it nice nice nice
 
ADD blows asshole, after awhile peopel start to think your crazy.

Farp for Life.

'Id like to please ask our contestants to refrain from using ethnic slurrs, ok so on with the show, here we have Mr. Connery wi...'

'You think your so smart Alex Trebek with your Greasy hair and your Dego mustache.'

'what did i just say about ethnic slurrs!?'

 
Here is a quality poem my friend. Cherish it. Learn from it. Thank Shakespeiere for it.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

To the last syllable of recorded time,

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle.

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

And then is heard no more. It is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

(V.v.18–27)

1080 boots for sale!

-Pat
 
most of the above is good constructive criticism... try to learn from it, come to think of it I agree with most of it... and also I think the ending leaves much to be desired

Anti-Flag

-Whats so fucking wrong, and whats so anti-establishment about the idea of peace? Why is wanting to know the truth so anti establishment?

These aren't anti-establishment ideas, these are Pro fucking peace ideas-

all girls should swallow and enjoy anal sex - Lateralis

 
I just made this peom in my head, learn from it.

Endeavor brings me on the go

Endeavor makes me snort some blow

Endeavor leaves me in the dark

Endeavor gets me robbed in the park

Endeavor never leaves me alone

Endeavor is my illegitmate clone

Endeavor is always over my shoulder

Endeavor just got smashed by a boulder

Endeavor was my only dog

Endeavor now looks like a pog

Bahaha.. Its MEANINGFULL.. learn from it!!!

1080 boots for sale!

-Pat
 
deep

************************************************************

-Matt

my one friend was pushed into a pole and he riped his sack open on impact now we call him stitchie

What our sport needs is love, not everyone trying to be cooler than each other.-skimack
 
i like the ending

and are you really homeless?

-----------------------------

-Joei

[free us from this]
 
i liked it

______________________________________

^^ Lumpy ^^

You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now.

We're just two lost souls swimmin in a fish bowl, year after year. Runnin' over the same old ground, what have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here.
 
agreed there was no hidden mesage and i made a few typos but i was just going with it, no making it al grammatical. also, it was meant to be a poem about capitolism. just a poor guy with no job who is still happy. i guess the deepest thing i can come up with is that money isnt everything. thanks for the comments though.. it may seem like im disagreeing but i appreciate it.

member5054

VIVA LA RESISTANCE
 
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