Racist shit for the boys
A lot of people are worried about offending other people if they say something racist. That never really was something I worried about. My biggest fear when I say something I shouldn't is somebody actually agreeing with me. Nothing will shut you up faster when trying to make a cheap joke than some old school sketchy guy saying "yeah fuck those____
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Ice cream shop tahoe. roommate really liked the place. Yeah, a little racism really adds to the flavor.
California weed stop
You ever notice how when the police are following behind you or pull you over, you never feel that safe? Even if you aren't doing anything wrong you feel this rush of guilt. YES I FUCKING DID IT! What did you do? I DONT KNOW UT I MUST HAVE DONE IT. Take me away! Just start pouring out a stream of confessions at the station like Chunk sitting in that beat up restaurant in the goonies.
So when I was driving my car to CA for the first time I hit one of those agricultural checkpoints. Crossing any kind of border or checkpoint always leaves me a bit suspicious of my actions. I could be driving a church choir to a nursing home and still start second guessing everything. Anyway I get flagged in with my NY plates and surprisingly actually wanted to me to open things for them. Opened a couple coolers that were empty, not just empty because I was traveling, but a pretty clear reflection of what my fridge at home generally looks like. He asks me if I have any drugs with me. I tell him no sir I don't. None at all? No none sir.
Gives me this weird fucking look, a half grin. Like why the fuck are you looking at me.
He tells me that's a shame about the drugs, drops a bag of about an ounce of the stinkiest weed on my lap and says "Welcome to California" and the other cop waves me through.
Mosquito blood donations
Cut myself and drain it into a cup for the mosquitos so they can stop biting me
Ray Bans
You ever see those ray ban ads?
My buddy saw one of those and bought mad shades while wasted
They were so beat lol
Oh fuck
Yeah he messaged his fam and friends and was like " yo check this deal"
Might be the only person to ever intenionally share tha
Watching th rock them and try to keep them in one piece
Fucking lenses popping out left and right
Sides snapping
It was a valiant effort imo
Piece snaps out and goes rolling across the pool. They gave it a good run. A real valiant effort imo.
I'm actually somewhat surprised they legit sell sunglasses at all I always assumed it was a total scam
The shades they give you at the eye doctor are way more legit. Like 30 cents worth of merch.
Netflix
Browsit just browsing. Streaming service offered for just 99 cents month with new titles. How so cheap? cant actually watch just browse. That said I'd still be saving all that money because that's all I do anyway.
Eyes Open
nocturnal lagophthalmos
You know that thing where people sleep with their eyes open? Would could kill someone like that at any point and nobody would even think a thing of it. All you'd have to is that you felt threatened and stood your ground. "She screamed hail satan and charged at me" The judge would say "Well she did sleep with her eyes open right?" the prosecution says well yes. The defense rests. I mean, it's kind of fucked up but it's also true.
Turn signals driving, speedometers.
Some Shitty Bits
So I've been getting kind of fat recently. I know I know but as someone who was once skinny, I'm heading the wrong direction If you get me. The irony of an assembly of gay dudes chasing down corn dogs.
People have been telling me for years to try stand up. Then again, people have generally pretty terrible ideas for you. My problem that most of my jokes come out late night at festivals. You know when shit's getting weird, there's people talking to themselves and rolling in the mud. I've always thought that maybe I was just funny in those situations. I know some really smart people who go to festivals, and none of you look like bankers or lawyers to me so yeah. Sorry
Chicks and titties
So girls and tits and the whole thing where you aren't allowed to show nipples. Strip clubs where they have to where pasties if they serve alcohol etc.
I never got that. Everybody has nipples. Dudes have nipples, kids have nippls, cats have nipples. Why don't they have to cover the rest of the boob, and only show the nipple. That seems much more reasonable and fair.
Africa Tanzania
Drooged and robbed.
Dumping bucket of quarters on stripper
Jesus Take The Wheel Defense
When you get in the accident blame jesus for that shit. Jesus took the wheel, you tried to stop him, but he's all powerful. They can't say you're lying. When you're in the courtroom you swear on the bible. What kind of sick fucks would they have to be to say he isn't real? After all this is America isnt it?? It's fucking fool proof.
Well officer, I was just minding my own business, driving home like I always do. Dude just came out of nowhere and grabbed the wheel. Before I could even say 3 hail marys i was in the ditch. Not a damn thing I could do about it.
90 kids seeds weed
90s kids will remember......
Atheist Architect finds jesus through giant cross on side of highway
billboard heaven or hell jerzey bro im going to jerzy inti atheist arxhitect
Mosquito blood donation i
cup
Understand cows
Ive been traveling a bunch. Trying to understand differrnt languages. animal. oh wait youre a cow.
Siracha for life
Is there anyone out there that puts siracha on everything? Yeah, it makes everything better right? Wouldn't it be sweet if that worked for life as well? Imagine if you could just pour siracha on your work, your roommates, or anything else in your shitty life to make that better?
Siracha therapy. Alcoholthe siracha of life.
___________________
Corona virus
Bought only 3 tiny bottles of sriracha at walmart. Roomate said ration. I'd rather die
Kitchen Job Backround Check
Got a job offer from a friend cooking in a restaurant. They asked me if I was ok with a backgound check. I said sure why not. Knowing I'd never been arrested in my life. I got a call back that I didn't pass the check. I was like wtf.The owner told me Have you ever been convisted of a crime? I said absolutely not. He said, that's the problem. Were just not sure we can trust you aty this time and wished me luck with other jobs.
Polotocal beliefs bumber stickers
shits dumb traddic shitty opinoons
Butholes
Dude with 27 buthole picture. Like wyf who keeps that kind of inventory? It was honestly impressive. If he died I could probably upload to a cnc machine and make a 3d render if his sss.
I get it the man wants to get laid but jesus fuxking christ what the hell. I don't even have 27 pictures of my smiling face.
Phone almost lit on fire started smoking i swear. It was crazy. Imagine returning a cell phone and when they ask what happened trying to describe this. Fuxk.
----------
Horder parents
So my parents are hoarders. I get my mail delivered to their house. I figure theyll never throw anything important out.
A lot of people are worried about offending other people if they say something racist. That never really was something I worried about. My biggest fear when I say something I shouldn't is somebody actually agreeing with me. Nothing will shut you up faster when trying to make a cheap joke than some old school sketchy guy saying "yeah fuck those____
-----------------------------------------
Ice cream shop tahoe. roommate really liked the place. Yeah, a little racism really adds to the flavor.
California weed stop
You ever notice how when the police are following behind you or pull you over, you never feel that safe? Even if you aren't doing anything wrong you feel this rush of guilt. YES I FUCKING DID IT! What did you do? I DONT KNOW UT I MUST HAVE DONE IT. Take me away! Just start pouring out a stream of confessions at the station like Chunk sitting in that beat up restaurant in the goonies.
So when I was driving my car to CA for the first time I hit one of those agricultural checkpoints. Crossing any kind of border or checkpoint always leaves me a bit suspicious of my actions. I could be driving a church choir to a nursing home and still start second guessing everything. Anyway I get flagged in with my NY plates and surprisingly actually wanted to me to open things for them. Opened a couple coolers that were empty, not just empty because I was traveling, but a pretty clear reflection of what my fridge at home generally looks like. He asks me if I have any drugs with me. I tell him no sir I don't. None at all? No none sir.
Gives me this weird fucking look, a half grin. Like why the fuck are you looking at me.
He tells me that's a shame about the drugs, drops a bag of about an ounce of the stinkiest weed on my lap and says "Welcome to California" and the other cop waves me through.
Mosquito blood donations
Cut myself and drain it into a cup for the mosquitos so they can stop biting me
Ray Bans
You ever see those ray ban ads?
My buddy saw one of those and bought mad shades while wasted
They were so beat lol
Oh fuck
Yeah he messaged his fam and friends and was like " yo check this deal"
Might be the only person to ever intenionally share tha
Watching th rock them and try to keep them in one piece
Fucking lenses popping out left and right
Sides snapping
It was a valiant effort imo
Piece snaps out and goes rolling across the pool. They gave it a good run. A real valiant effort imo.
I'm actually somewhat surprised they legit sell sunglasses at all I always assumed it was a total scam
The shades they give you at the eye doctor are way more legit. Like 30 cents worth of merch.
Netflix
Browsit just browsing. Streaming service offered for just 99 cents month with new titles. How so cheap? cant actually watch just browse. That said I'd still be saving all that money because that's all I do anyway.
Eyes Open
nocturnal lagophthalmos
You know that thing where people sleep with their eyes open? Would could kill someone like that at any point and nobody would even think a thing of it. All you'd have to is that you felt threatened and stood your ground. "She screamed hail satan and charged at me" The judge would say "Well she did sleep with her eyes open right?" the prosecution says well yes. The defense rests. I mean, it's kind of fucked up but it's also true.
Turn signals driving, speedometers.
Some Shitty Bits
So I've been getting kind of fat recently. I know I know but as someone who was once skinny, I'm heading the wrong direction If you get me. The irony of an assembly of gay dudes chasing down corn dogs.
People have been telling me for years to try stand up. Then again, people have generally pretty terrible ideas for you. My problem that most of my jokes come out late night at festivals. You know when shit's getting weird, there's people talking to themselves and rolling in the mud. I've always thought that maybe I was just funny in those situations. I know some really smart people who go to festivals, and none of you look like bankers or lawyers to me so yeah. Sorry
Chicks and titties
So girls and tits and the whole thing where you aren't allowed to show nipples. Strip clubs where they have to where pasties if they serve alcohol etc.
I never got that. Everybody has nipples. Dudes have nipples, kids have nippls, cats have nipples. Why don't they have to cover the rest of the boob, and only show the nipple. That seems much more reasonable and fair.
Africa Tanzania
Drooged and robbed.
Dumping bucket of quarters on stripper
Jesus Take The Wheel Defense
When you get in the accident blame jesus for that shit. Jesus took the wheel, you tried to stop him, but he's all powerful. They can't say you're lying. When you're in the courtroom you swear on the bible. What kind of sick fucks would they have to be to say he isn't real? After all this is America isnt it?? It's fucking fool proof.
Well officer, I was just minding my own business, driving home like I always do. Dude just came out of nowhere and grabbed the wheel. Before I could even say 3 hail marys i was in the ditch. Not a damn thing I could do about it.
90 kids seeds weed
90s kids will remember......
Atheist Architect finds jesus through giant cross on side of highway
billboard heaven or hell jerzey bro im going to jerzy inti atheist arxhitect
Mosquito blood donation i
cup
Understand cows
Ive been traveling a bunch. Trying to understand differrnt languages. animal. oh wait youre a cow.
Siracha for life
Is there anyone out there that puts siracha on everything? Yeah, it makes everything better right? Wouldn't it be sweet if that worked for life as well? Imagine if you could just pour siracha on your work, your roommates, or anything else in your shitty life to make that better?
Siracha therapy. Alcoholthe siracha of life.
___________________
Corona virus
Bought only 3 tiny bottles of sriracha at walmart. Roomate said ration. I'd rather die
Kitchen Job Backround Check
Got a job offer from a friend cooking in a restaurant. They asked me if I was ok with a backgound check. I said sure why not. Knowing I'd never been arrested in my life. I got a call back that I didn't pass the check. I was like wtf.The owner told me Have you ever been convisted of a crime? I said absolutely not. He said, that's the problem. Were just not sure we can trust you aty this time and wished me luck with other jobs.
Polotocal beliefs bumber stickers
shits dumb traddic shitty opinoons
Butholes
Dude with 27 buthole picture. Like wyf who keeps that kind of inventory? It was honestly impressive. If he died I could probably upload to a cnc machine and make a 3d render if his sss.
I get it the man wants to get laid but jesus fuxking christ what the hell. I don't even have 27 pictures of my smiling face.
Phone almost lit on fire started smoking i swear. It was crazy. Imagine returning a cell phone and when they ask what happened trying to describe this. Fuxk.
----------
Horder parents
So my parents are hoarders. I get my mail delivered to their house. I figure theyll never throw anything important out.
